how can i properly say
the very things i don’t know how to say
that could return a moment, and bring a person back
how can i say i wanted her to stay
how can i say i want her to go
how can i say i love her more than i can say
how will the words i say differ
from the words i write
and how will the words i write
be remembered - when i have nothing left to say.
will the words i write right my wrongs
will the things i think bring me more songs
where will i run when i run out of words
where will i run when i run out of myself
what will i say when i have nothing left to say
where will i find myself when i’m nothing
besides a pile of letters beneath my bed
that nobody has read
what will i feel when i’ve felt everything i could
and poured every emotion from myself
in a fair trade i made
with the devil, for my mental health
while my aimless desperation
takes me down roads with no outlets
that i knew were dead-ends from the outset
while i create through my blocked creativity
hand-picking letters from the sky that i convince myself were meant for me
what could i do, and where could i go
when everything i know turns out to be how little i knew
when everything false turns out to be true
and the coffin i bought from the corner-store is already filled
with another poor soul with a backpack of notebooks waiting to be filled
as i deliver the eulogy
explaining, explicitly, what you do to me
as mourners discuss the rest of me
and you know you were the death of me.
helplessly, i tread the waters of discovery
waiting for the powers-that-be to discover me
hoping they’re in a hurry
because these times come and go in flurries
and the hazy mind that will come by the sunshine
is one i know too well -
another i know i will conquer as well
for the red-devil who made that trade
did well to steal my soul, but not my spirit
and even when he carries my body off the earth
for the sins i’ve committed physically, or mentally first
he will take my flesh to hell
while my mind floats to heaven
un-concerned with truth, and how many records there are to sell.
i’m already a millionaire in my platinum brain.
