I’ve grown old. And with age, efficient. Most people’s bodies become tainted as they brave their vices - cigarettes, cocktails, typical wear and tear. I’m a glass-bubble man, though - my my body’s been preserved in this molded leather seat - attended to at all times and carried around like a piece of unwanted luggage with two broken wheels.
I used to feel everything - especially sorry for myself. For years, I couldn’t accept my fate - Oedipus at Colonus on the outside, Oedipus Rex on the in. I feigned passivity with all of the strength that slipped its way through the accident and still remained somewhere in my blood’s stream. If I hadn’t, I’d have lost everyone. Sympathy lasts, but not for long - so I never asked for any.
Between my children and my wife, I had to play it cool so as to remain the man of the house. My father, and his father before him, were absentees - lost warriors of America’s overseas battles, who provided an ingredient to the serum that birthed their children, only to run away soon after to any place that would take them. I met my father a handful of times - with drastic spells that lasted years in between. It was always cordial, but never friendly.
I promised myself, and my mother, that I would be a different man. I hadn’t learned much from him anyway, so it wasn’t like there was much to un-learn. I told her, for my kids, I’ll be the man of the house - the one they could always come to. Whether I was needed or not, I would be there.
I used to feel pride, too. I used to feel bigger than myself in so many ways - like a tireless soul who could overcome his body’s limitations. Like I didn’t need anyone. I was fine by myself, and I would be fine by myself.
I’ve learned to ignore pride, though. Because after a while of struggling against your own mind, you learn that there’s no place for pride. After all, your life depends on the aid of another, and you become less beggar and more demander - silently pleading with those loved ones who stuck around to keep on loving you and keep hugging you, even when you have no way of hugging them back.
